JUST ANOTHER DAY IN TEENY TINY TINSETOWN
ALL IS FAIR IN LIFE, LOVE & WAR!

Life seems to be hitting our poor little Milo in the puffy end of his designer "Onesie" mommy Liv has set her goals on acting once again and poor Milo now finds himself swinging to a solo tune. First walking and now this. I’ve tried explaining how these "grown up" issues work, but our resident barefoot flower child has continued to drift toward the "time out" corner of depression. He does perk up at playtime. It’s amazing what a good swing will do for a tiny tyke. I also noticed his dislike of the custom "Baby Bjorn" his mother likes to squeeze him into. Poor kid resembles a an overstuffed sausage. This might explain his constant attempts at pulling his legs free while mom is in mid stride. He did manage to liberate one leg and had almost made it to the promise land (mommy’s shoulder) before she caught him. I’m really going to have to extol the virtues of strollers and their uses to young Liv.

Sweet Peaches…darn it! Sweet Apple now finds herself in a love triangle with Maddox and Baby budding beauty Leni Briatore. ( The kid’s definitely a Klum in looks). Poor Banana…er Apple, in love with our "resident rebel" and her competition is none other than a supermodel’s kid. After catching Leni deliberately gumming the cloth nose of..Apple’s (Yes!) favorite stuffed bunny, I alerted the staff to possible "kitten fights" between the two. Although, with the arrival of Leni’s new baby brother I’m not so sure how much effort she will be able to muster in this battle of heart. The funny thing is young Maddox hasn’t so much as glanced at either girl. Instead he seems to have set his sights on an older woman and has been secretly trailing around behind young Willow Smith. Rumer even spotted him rubbing his face over her favorite sweater. The boy’s just not right. I’m beginning to sense some stalking tendencies. During our last Parent teacher night I mentioned this behavior to both sets of parents, Will and Jada and Angelina and Brad. Impressively they all seem to think that it will blow over...yeah…I’m not sure.

I must say that these Jolie-Pitt tykes are truly interesting to watch when they’re in town. Lately they have been spending every other weekend with daddy in Canada. Now they are off to Dubai for a week long vacation. (I’m so glad Angie and Brad are paid up through the year.) These kids’ passports look better than mine. Before she left little Zahara decided to take up the cause of her mummy and daddy-to-be. She persuaded her playmates to donate their favorite toys to the less fortunate…only I don’t think that they truly understand because instead of giving their toys, they gave the Preschool’s. But you must applaud Baby Z’s effort. She’s also become quite the little celebrity. Her diary blog has become as popular as her brother’s. Though as the daughter of two A-list celebs, I must caution her about publicizing her personal relationships. Perhaps she should take a page from her mummy and daddy’s book. "They may ask, but you don’t tell." That is until the ink is dry on the divorce papers and Barbara Walters is team "Brangelina".

Our territorial war is still in full swing. Hazel has now enlisted the help of Romeo Beckham who along with his brothers Brooklyn (Who’s quite a little character) and Cruz (what a little sweetheart) has joined our elite little Preschool. Romeo (oh how his name suits him) has no time for such infantile dreams and desires. He has signed on as ‘guard du corps’ for the infant queen only. But from the crafty way Hazel extends her teething biscuit, I’d say young Romeo is in for a surprise awakening. She wants her man and I don’t know…she may get him.

Oh! For…ugghhh another email request from the Federlines. I told Britney that I’d try to find an opening in our newborn department for baby boy Federline but alas I’ve yet to find an available suite to house his overly large mother’s ego along with his other baby paraphernalia.
Some just don’t take the choice of breeding seriously.

Signing off

A TALE OF BATTLES AND BABIES…

The life of an A list offspring can be challenging.

Today was quite interesting…well everyday is interesting really. But today was bit more than usual.

Little Hazel has now stepped up her plot to over throw her brother “Lord Phinn’s” infant regime. She has decided to stake her territorial claim on the play pen area. Unfortunately Veronica Webb’s little darling Molly Blue has already claimed this area, having gained it in a coup against Jermajesty Jackson, earlier this summer. Jermajesty took the defeat rather well…okay…okay so he did demand justice and ranted that his father Jermaine could buy and sell us all. Had he perhaps mentioned his aunt or rather infamous uncle, I might have blinked, but he didn’t. I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN JERMAINE JACKSON.

While picking up the toy arena at naptime I came across a soggy piece of paper entitled “The Manifesto of the Infant Queen”. Reading through it (yes I do read baby scrawl.) I realized that our little Hazel has quite the penmanship for a 10 ½ month old and the mind of maniacal republican (mmmm…that is a bit redundant). I wonder if this is how Bush got started. I knew it was Hazel by the artful pink scrawl at the bottom of the page that double as her signature. Poor Phineas he won’t know what hit him. He did have a good run for a while but unless he and his merry band of babies can come up with a plot to hold on to power, young Phineas can kiss the throne goodbye. A footnote: “Lord Phinny” has not taken to potty training as easily as first thought. It could just be laziness, I’ll have to sit down and speak to him; one on one.

Sweet Apple had her share of issues this week, having to say goodbye to daddy who flew back home to get started on his new tour. While mummy Gwyneth, did the usual round of interviews to promote her new upcoming movie. There seems to be very little “mommy and Apple time” so little Apple has learned the art of tantrum throwing. This includes throwing her body into the legs of every assistant within body throwing range. Unfortunately she tried it on one of our more senior assistants; Ms. Della R. who inadvertently moved just as little Apple was diving to glory. Gwyneth actually took the whole incident pretty well, as she herself has also inadvertently moved during one of sweet Apples most promising performances. Even A list children get no respect.

Young Liam has been with us now for one week. He’s quite the little charmer. I do believe our Coco is crushing on poor Liam, who doesn’t speak a word of sign language. He does seem to fit in with the A list crowd. Although his mother isn’t really an A lister, Liam definitely has the potential to ascend to height of young Maddox, Coco, Milo, Zahara, Aoki Lee, Ming Lee, Dylan Jagger and the others that frequent Phi Phi’s. I figure a few more field trips through the gauntlet of Paparazzi and young Liam will be licking his tongue out with the best of them.

Maddox and Zahara only stopped by to pick up Zahara’s favorite Paris Latsis embroidered blanket. Maddox was once again riding the left hip of ‘La Jolie’, while his sister hung out on her new daddy’s shoulder. Ahhh they are a cute little family to be. But alas while ‘La Jolie’ is orking on the set of her new movie this week, two of our most famous members will be spending the week with Brad-dad…Braddy or daddy as Maddox now calls his mother’s soon-to-be confirmed boyfriend or at the rate Ange and Brad are going…husband. Ange seemed pretty happy considering the letter of “Warning” she almost received from her tabloid nemesis Jen. Brad also looked pretty dashingly divorced with his new dark do and his now ever present paternal smile. You’d think that having kids was the highlight of his life. Who knew? I wonder why he’s never had any of his own. Oh right! His ex did’t want any…or is it that she wanted kids but he had checked out of the marriage...missing a sensitivity chip…OH what the h…does any of that crap mean? It’s all “Friends” lingo for “I just didn’t want any kids, but I don’t want my fans to know I lied about wanting them all along.” I have got to remember to order my ‘Team Jolie’ bomber jacket before fall.

Holding Zahara and her bottle with one hand, he reached over to straighten Madd’s Old Navy fishing hat. Ahhh….so cute. BLEH! I think I liked them better when they were sneaking around. All this up front and honest behavior is setting the world of the Paparazzi Spy Cam back. With the favored blanket in hand the group disappeared into the ocean of Paparazzi that hounds the steps of Phi Phi’s at all times.

That reminds me:

It’s time to release the pigeons again.

Signing off.

Even A-List Toddlers have Issues!!!!!!

Hmmm…today was quite interesting at PhiPhi’s. We started the day as usual, greeting the parents and taking note of any special requirements the young “heirs apparent” had acquired over the weekend.

Little Milo spent the weekend breaking in a new pair of shoes. Poor little tyke…gone are the barefoot days of yore and he is NOT happy about it! Young Apple wasn’t too pleased with mummy Gwyneth and it quickly became quite clear that the rosy cheeked produce, wasn’t the “apple” (every pun intended) of her lovely mother’s eye either. Gwyneth and Mom Blythe were heading out to catch the Day Spa Bus Tour of Manhattan and unfortunately for little kumquat…I mean plum…I mean Apple, no women under the age of 19 were allowed. So that meant that we were going to have the pleasure of watching over a very sour…sour baby (bet you thought I’d say Apple)

Young Phineas returned to us with a bit of a Supremacy complex and will only respond to “Phineas the Great” or “Lord Phin”…hmmm, note to self please make sure that his royal highness starts his personal relationship with the majestic throne during “potty time”. Sweet Hazel…well her name’s Hazel, what else is there to say. Though she has become more assertive and is now attempting to over throw her brother’s dominion she has recruited Reign Beau Rhames, Roan Bronstein, Freedom and Ocean Whitaker to help her in her bid for power.

I do believe our darling Coco took a Jane Goodall anger management communications course this weekend because she’s now using her fingers to sign instead of using them to send projectiles during naptime. I like the change…now if I could just get her to stop flipping the bird at the Daycare assistants, Rumer Willis isn’t taking it very well and the last thing I need is a Tinsel Town Teen intervention group meeting.

Angie and Brad doing the “happy family” dance of joy dropped both children off amidst many kisses and hugs. However Maddox (a favorite of our local Paparazzi) was having none of it and stomped past me a bit miffed, mumbling something about having to sleep in his own bed and complaining about a photo hog called Zippy. I now realize he meant his new baby sister Zahara. Baby “Z” as the Daycare staff has dubbed her, is definitely her own little woman in the face of her brother’s misery “Z” was full of gurgling glee. But I do believe Brad Dad may have his hands full, I spied a star struck Apple fixating on a very wary Maddox. She even offered him a slightly soggy cookie. Hmmm…I may have to speak to the parents if this goes any further. Little “Z” has fallen into the idol trap as well; I caught her drooling all over Scout’s Teen magazine featuring Paris and Paris on the cover. As brilliant as they both are, it was Latsis who’s face “Z” chose to drool all over.

Oh yeah, I have a meeting with Calista about registering her darling Liam. I’ve heard some pretty okay things about the kid; we’ll give him a trial…see how it goes. Whoops! Alley McBeal…er…uh Kalista (has she done anything else?) is here. Gotta go!

Signing off.